Posts Tagged ‘Stress’
10 ways of getting through a crisis:
- Remember what matters- Connect with those you care about. Bring to mind, relive, remember, and cherish the connections you have and what your current relationships mean to you.
- Look for meaning in the current situation. See if there are any positives. Sometimes being in a lot of pain makes you more sensitive to others who go through the same thing.
- Keep in mind the “bigger picture” and long-term goals. If you don’t have a “bigger picture” or long term goals, start making them. Working towards long-term goals also produces positive emotions and a sense of mastery and achievement.
- Consider what you have that other people don’t have, and how other people could be jealous of what you have. Look for what this is- whether it is a job, an able body, health, a place to live, a relationship, or a child.
- Take care of what you need to take care of in the current moment.
- If you can’t solve the problem right now, do something restful and restorative.
- Maintain balance in your life by giving your mind a “break”- plan adaptive distractions that have nothing to do with your current life stressors.
- Remember that physical activity can help you “shift gears” by releasing endorphins and changing your physiological arousal. Since changing physiological arousal is also associated with emotions, this can also help you with your emotions.
- If overwhelmed, focus on doing what you can do. If you are able to achieve or accomplish one step, then you can move on to the next. There is only one way to get through a crisis- and that is one step at a time.
- Consider your options for how you typically respond to a crisis, and see if your options include complete avoidance, making things worse, or escalating in a way that doesn’t solve problems or is not helpful. Take the first step towards doing what works and what will get problems solved the fastest.
Posted in Distress Tolerance | 
Tags: Acceptance, anxiety, Change, Meaning, Misery, Stress | 
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Emotional sensitivity: Elephants without a skin
Some people are emotionally sensitive. They readily pick up on the emotions that others experience, have a high emotional “radar”, and they notice emotional “tones” or changes while interacting with others. Being alert to changes in emotional intensity may be a way for people to predict emotional outbursts- and thus stay away from threatening or angry people. Emotionally sensitive people may be good at reading others, attending to relationships, and paying attention to their gut or intuition. They may also have difficulty when others express strong emotions.
Others may have a higher threshold for absorbing emotional information- or be less reactive to expressed emotion. They may be seen as having a “thick skin” or an ability to brush things off and not be greatly affected. They may be less acute at picking up and reading the emotions of others- and possible less “tuned in” to the emotional nuances of interpersonal situations. They may have a better capacity to “get over it”, “move on”, or “pick up the pieces”. They may be seen as stable, consistent, or “uneasily rattled”.
Differences in how we experience emotions are sometimes labeled as bad, mentally unhealthy, or crazy. Some people have ideas about how emotions “should” be experienced based on their own threshold for emotional tolerance. Comparisons can frequently turn into judgments, and the way in which a person is emotionally impacted by something can easily be under or over-estimated. Misunderstandings and inaccurate interpretations about what a person is feeling or should be feeling may ensue. The emotionally sensitive person may have been told they need to “get over it” and the emotionally “tough” person may be experienced as “cold” or “uncaring.”
Instead of emotions being “right” or “wrong”, it is important to consider several factors about emotional thresholds, sensitivity, and tolerance:
- Are you in an environment in which others are less or more emotionally sensitive than you are? If so, how does it impact your ability to trust your emotions?
- Consider the pros/cons to being emotionally sensitive vs. having a “thick skin.” Emotionally diverse ways of responding to situations can be adaptive ways of coping-all depending on the person and the situation.
- Are you looking for people who value your emotional experience? Seeking people who are can be responsive to your emotional needs is better than not liking yourself for “being emotional” in the first place.
Posted in Cartoon elephants, Emotion Regulation | Tags: Cartoon elephants, Emotion, Relationship, Stress, Understanding emotion | No Comments »
An exercise in mindfulness: Thanksgiving turkeys
In my groups, we spend time at the beginning doing some sort of exercise to slow down, pay attention, come into the room, and notice what is going on. Some of these exercises are specifically directed at paying attention to the breath. When breathing is slowed, paced, and regulated, a person has a better tendency to think clearer and become organized. Using the breath to regulate emotion, attention, and physical arousal is a very critical skill that frequently gets forgotten about in the heat of the moment- especially a very emotional moment.
Breathing exercises can sometimes be difficult. If you were to spend five minutes trying to focus just on your breath, you may notice spacing out, thinking about other things, and generally not paying much attention to the physical aspects of your breath. Therefore, breathing exercises may sometimes be paired with counting, walking, or other more concrete methods to help you get in touch- and stay in touch- with your breath.
Here is an exercise that is a tangible way of following the breath- and can easily be taught to young children as a way to self-regulate. Place your hand on a piece of paper and trace around it. Every time you move up to the tip of a finger, inhale. Every time you move down to the crevice between your fingers, exhale. Try to work on slowing down your breath so that it is even and steady. When you are done, start over. Keep g
oing until you notice feeling calmer, slower, steadier, and perhaps more connected. Be gentle and notice any frustration if it doesn’t “work” right away.
One way to do this exercise is to keep tracing and re-tracing back your hand on one piece of paper. Another way to do this exercise is to not use paper and pen at all, but to trace your fingers with your other hand. This method can be used when you are out and about, in a meeting, or (depending on subtly it’s done) even talking to other people.
However, if you trace a new outline on new paper each time, you can start to accumulate several pieces of paper. If you’d like to add a beak and draw in some feathers on your “hands”, you can start to ask yourself: How many turkeys does it take to get calmed down? If you get really good and regulating your emotions by regulating your breath, you may find that over time the number of turkeys it takes will eventually go down.
Posted in Mindfulness | Tags: anxiety, Breath, Breathing, Holidays, Mindfulness, Openness, Stress, Thanksgiving | No Comments »
Communicating anger without killing your audience
The blog post this week is for persons who have a hard time with anger. If you are a person who tends to rant and rave, gets in trouble with personal attacks, or comes across as interpersonally abrasive, this post is for you.
Communicating anger can be done effectively when the intensity of anger matches the message. Anger has to be at a manageable level. If you can get anger to go down, you may have a very strong point to communicate- but you’ve got to do it in such a way that anger works for you, instead of getting in your way. Here are some suggestions:
- Soften your gaze, relax your face, and try smiling with half of your face.
- Unclench your jaws and your fist, open your palms, and relax your body.
- Stop glaring.
- Be clear about what you want to communicate. Try stating it in a matter-of-fact but firm manner.
- Slow down your breathing.
- Try to pay attention to how your face communicates. A flat, impermeable look can be negatively interpreted or misinterpreted. (Notice if/how you are drawn to particular TV characters who have expressive faces).
- Wiggle your eyebrows. Try shooting one eyebrow up.
- Notice your tone of voice. Try singing what you want to say before you talk to the person. This will get you to notice your emotion in your voice and make it hard for you to hang on to the intensity of the anger. Another option is to use a cartoon voice.
If you act or behave in such a way that is incompatible with anger, you will have a pretty good chance of getting your anger to go down. Being clear, matter-of-fact, and firm; staying connected, rooted, and close to your inner wisdom can be a much more effective way to communicate anger than sarcasm, attacks, and rants.
Posted in Interpersonal Effectiveness | Tags: Anger, Change, communication, Emotion, Relationship, Stress, Understanding emotion, willingness | Comments Closed
How do you know when to say no?
In DBT, the concept of observing limits has to do with options for how much you want to extend yourself in relationships. In other words, how much of your time, energy, or frustration are you willing to invest in other people? To what extent can you give people other things, do things you don’t want to do in order to keep a relationship, or balance the demands on your time?
The important thing is that limits vary from person to person. Some people will bend over backwards to keep relationships or go the extra mile, while others may be more protective of their time, happy with independence, and more inclined to say no. Both of the above examples have pros/cons associated with them. For instance, extending oneself frequently may result in feeling taken advantage of, while too much independence may result in loneliness.
Sometimes extending limits makes sense because it shows how much you care. Sometimes saying no and risking the consequences of another person’s unhappiness helps you avoid biting off more than you can chew. Sometimes saying no gives you the time you need to stay healthy. Sometimes saying no forces other people to be more proactive. Limits change according to situations, people, and contexts. There is no set or fixed rule for determining what your limits should be.
Ultimately, you are the one who has to live with the consequences and frustrations of over-extended limits. You may want to take some time this week to figure out what your limits are, what gets in the way of maintaining limits, and the cost/benefit ratio of extending them.
Posted in Interpersonal Effectiveness | Tags: balance, limits, Relationship, Stress, time | No Comments »
Are your walls keeping people in or keeping people out?
With crisis comes vulnerability. When the unexpected happens, we are often confronted with the limits of our mortality. We realize that we can be deeply affected and influenced. The walls that we build around us get shaken, questioned, or torn down.
Fear is on our horizon.
Sometimes, when we are really scared we try to build more walls. We don’t want other people to see us. We snap at people we care about and become strict with ourselves about who sees our pain. We deny our pain to others. We can’t let other people in. We make promises to ourselves that we will never be that open, intimate, or invested in a relationship again. We can’t let other people care about us, and we become calloused to influence. We aren’t able to receive compassion or see how much alike we are.
Last week I read a post about some people who were trying to make sense of 9/11. This book really touched me when I read it. Ultimately, there was a question of what walls we wanted to build. And in general how much of the world we want to let in. Surviving a crisis forces us to consider those questions.
Sometimes disappointment can be so unbearably painful that it makes sense to be a little cautious. On the other hand, allowing our fear to dominate our ability to be human, to make mistakes, to feel pain, to take risks, and to be vulnerable can prevent us from experiencing intimacy and connection.
Are the walls you build keeping you safe and protected or are they preventing you from reaching out, taking risks, and having a fulfilling and meaningful life?
Posted in Distress Tolerance | Tags: Change, dialectics, Loss, Mindfulness, Openness, Relationship, Stress, trauma, wisdom | No Comments »