Posts Tagged ‘Relationship’
Emotional sensitivity: Elephants without a skin
Some people are emotionally sensitive. They readily pick up on the emotions that others experience, have a high emotional “radar”, and they notice emotional “tones” or changes while interacting with others. Being alert to changes in emotional intensity may be a way for people to predict emotional outbursts- and thus stay away from threatening or angry people. Emotionally sensitive people may be good at reading others, attending to relationships, and paying attention to their gut or intuition. They may also have difficulty when others express strong emotions.
Others may have a higher threshold for absorbing emotional information- or be less reactive to expressed emotion. They may be seen as having a “thick skin” or an ability to brush things off and not be greatly affected. They may be less acute at picking up and reading the emotions of others- and possible less “tuned in” to the emotional nuances of interpersonal situations. They may have a better capacity to “get over it”, “move on”, or “pick up the pieces”. They may be seen as stable, consistent, or “uneasily rattled”.
Differences in how we experience emotions are sometimes labeled as bad, mentally unhealthy, or crazy. Some people have ideas about how emotions “should” be experienced based on their own threshold for emotional tolerance. Comparisons can frequently turn into judgments, and the way in which a person is emotionally impacted by something can easily be under or over-estimated. Misunderstandings and inaccurate interpretations about what a person is feeling or should be feeling may ensue. The emotionally sensitive person may have been told they need to “get over it” and the emotionally “tough” person may be experienced as “cold” or “uncaring.”
Instead of emotions being “right” or “wrong”, it is important to consider several factors about emotional thresholds, sensitivity, and tolerance:
- Are you in an environment in which others are less or more emotionally sensitive than you are? If so, how does it impact your ability to trust your emotions?
- Consider the pros/cons to being emotionally sensitive vs. having a “thick skin.” Emotionally diverse ways of responding to situations can be adaptive ways of coping-all depending on the person and the situation.
- Are you looking for people who value your emotional experience? Seeking people who are can be responsive to your emotional needs is better than not liking yourself for “being emotional” in the first place.
Posted in Cartoon elephants, Emotion Regulation | 
Tags: Cartoon elephants, Emotion, Relationship, Stress, Understanding emotion | 
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Are you in touch with your true cartoons?
In DBT, primary emotions are emotions that people have about a situation or event. Secondary emotions are emotional reactions to emotions. Figuring out which is which may be helpful for people that have a lot of trouble sorting out what they feel, identifying what causes feelings, and knowing how to make use of feelings. The overall goal is to enable people to express emotions accurately.
Let’s take the example of anger. Sometimes, when people get angry, they say things they do not mean. They deliver “low blows”, say things that are extremely hurtful, and launch into full attack mode.When anger shows up, it is very possible that other primary emotions (betrayal, hurt, scared, or sad) are also part of the picture.
Imagine how the conversation would be different if the person who expresses anger was actually expressing any of the above emotions. “I was really upset when you didn’t show up. I thought something might have happened. At first I was really worried, and then I started thinking that you might have forgotten about meeting with me altogether. I wasn’t really sure what to make of the situation. I have this tendency to think no one cares about me when this happens. Perhaps you could tell me what happened.”
Another example may go something like this: Feeling afraid but then feeling ashamed for feeling afraid. Sometimes people are afraid of intimacy and connection but act on the shame. For instance, having a really good time with friends (feeling appreciated, included, and valued) is followed by withdrawal and avoidance. Is this you? If so, what words would you put on your fear that would be more accurate? Are there any elephants in the room that you’ve failed to consider?
Posted in Emotion Regulation | Tags: Cartoon elephants, Change, communication, Emotion, Function of behavior, interpretations, Relationship, Understanding emotion, validation | No Comments »
Slow down, get clear, and become organized
Knowing what you want gives you the power to ask for it, to look for what you want, and to get what you want from the people who are willing and capable of giving it.
Lots of things get in the way with our ability to be effective. Often intense anxiety keeps our focus on the immediate threat. Sometimes this means rehearsing or imagining the worst possible outcomes over and over again. Sometimes our anxiety propels us towards anxiety-driven action. We are prompted to immediately fix, appease, accommodate, or even attack. Sometimes this causes us to lose sight of ourselves, become unglued, or to become disorganized. We stop looking at our expectations, desired outcomes, or even our unique observations. We don’t think about unintended consequences of our behavior on our relationships. We can become busy accommodating everyone else’s expectations to the point of exhaustion- often to find that other people continue to be dissatisfied.
Take a minute to consider what you want, think, notice, and feel. Consider if what you want might include: Being heard, being taken seriously, being respected, or being acknowledged.
Sometimes change involves a loss or regret that another person is not willing or capable of giving you what you want. But instead of getting into a crisis over it, this clarity allows you to re-consider your options, change the way you are asking for it, tolerate the limits of others, or even move on- and possibly keep looking for it from someone who can give it.
When my clients get better, the changes I observe are quite noticeable. Often there is a shift in energy- a slowing down. They appear more confident as they become centered, calm, and clear. They get organized! They are less prone to non-useful conflicts and increase their ability to steer clear of unwanted chaos.
Posted in Interpersonal Effectiveness | Tags: Acceptance, anxiety, Change, communication, Relationship, validation, wisdom | Comments Closed
Communicating anger without killing your audience
The blog post this week is for persons who have a hard time with anger. If you are a person who tends to rant and rave, gets in trouble with personal attacks, or comes across as interpersonally abrasive, this post is for you.
Communicating anger can be done effectively when the intensity of anger matches the message. Anger has to be at a manageable level. If you can get anger to go down, you may have a very strong point to communicate- but you’ve got to do it in such a way that anger works for you, instead of getting in your way. Here are some suggestions:
- Soften your gaze, relax your face, and try smiling with half of your face.
- Unclench your jaws and your fist, open your palms, and relax your body.
- Stop glaring.
- Be clear about what you want to communicate. Try stating it in a matter-of-fact but firm manner.
- Slow down your breathing.
- Try to pay attention to how your face communicates. A flat, impermeable look can be negatively interpreted or misinterpreted. (Notice if/how you are drawn to particular TV characters who have expressive faces).
- Wiggle your eyebrows. Try shooting one eyebrow up.
- Notice your tone of voice. Try singing what you want to say before you talk to the person. This will get you to notice your emotion in your voice and make it hard for you to hang on to the intensity of the anger. Another option is to use a cartoon voice.
If you act or behave in such a way that is incompatible with anger, you will have a pretty good chance of getting your anger to go down. Being clear, matter-of-fact, and firm; staying connected, rooted, and close to your inner wisdom can be a much more effective way to communicate anger than sarcasm, attacks, and rants.
Posted in Interpersonal Effectiveness | Tags: Anger, Change, communication, Emotion, Relationship, Stress, Understanding emotion, willingness | Comments Closed
How do you know when to say no?
In DBT, the concept of observing limits has to do with options for how much you want to extend yourself in relationships. In other words, how much of your time, energy, or frustration are you willing to invest in other people? To what extent can you give people other things, do things you don’t want to do in order to keep a relationship, or balance the demands on your time?
The important thing is that limits vary from person to person. Some people will bend over backwards to keep relationships or go the extra mile, while others may be more protective of their time, happy with independence, and more inclined to say no. Both of the above examples have pros/cons associated with them. For instance, extending oneself frequently may result in feeling taken advantage of, while too much independence may result in loneliness.
Sometimes extending limits makes sense because it shows how much you care. Sometimes saying no and risking the consequences of another person’s unhappiness helps you avoid biting off more than you can chew. Sometimes saying no gives you the time you need to stay healthy. Sometimes saying no forces other people to be more proactive. Limits change according to situations, people, and contexts. There is no set or fixed rule for determining what your limits should be.
Ultimately, you are the one who has to live with the consequences and frustrations of over-extended limits. You may want to take some time this week to figure out what your limits are, what gets in the way of maintaining limits, and the cost/benefit ratio of extending them.
Posted in Interpersonal Effectiveness | Tags: balance, limits, Relationship, Stress, time | No Comments »
Are your walls keeping people in or keeping people out?
With crisis comes vulnerability. When the unexpected happens, we are often confronted with the limits of our mortality. We realize that we can be deeply affected and influenced. The walls that we build around us get shaken, questioned, or torn down.
Fear is on our horizon.
Sometimes, when we are really scared we try to build more walls. We don’t want other people to see us. We snap at people we care about and become strict with ourselves about who sees our pain. We deny our pain to others. We can’t let other people in. We make promises to ourselves that we will never be that open, intimate, or invested in a relationship again. We can’t let other people care about us, and we become calloused to influence. We aren’t able to receive compassion or see how much alike we are.
Last week I read a post about some people who were trying to make sense of 9/11. This book really touched me when I read it. Ultimately, there was a question of what walls we wanted to build. And in general how much of the world we want to let in. Surviving a crisis forces us to consider those questions.
Sometimes disappointment can be so unbearably painful that it makes sense to be a little cautious. On the other hand, allowing our fear to dominate our ability to be human, to make mistakes, to feel pain, to take risks, and to be vulnerable can prevent us from experiencing intimacy and connection.
Are the walls you build keeping you safe and protected or are they preventing you from reaching out, taking risks, and having a fulfilling and meaningful life?
Posted in Distress Tolerance | Tags: Change, dialectics, Loss, Mindfulness, Openness, Relationship, Stress, trauma, wisdom | No Comments »