Posts Tagged ‘communication’
Improvements in behavior
DBT skills groups are often structured so that clients in the groups do homework for week to week. The homework assignments might include ways of problem-solving emotions, finding ways of being attentive or mindful when in distress, or effectively approaching a relationship conflict. Sometimes there is an emphasis on doing or trying the homework, and some clients can do the homework without really getting how it “fits.” While I like to encourage people to try new assignments, I try to pay attention to- and discourage- doing homework for the sake of doing homework in my groups. This is because over-rehearsal of content learning often lacks the value of experientially “getting” something meaningful and relevant to painful life problems.
One thing that I like to encourage my clients to consider is this: What would be an improvement in behavior?. The application and acquisition of new learning has to do with how you would do something differently from how you always do things. After all, if you continue to do what you’ve always done, you’d continue get the same results.
Improvements in behavior can be incredibly small- and can even be characterized as noticing or paying attention to something not paid attention to before. This can be a minor yet critical item, especially for people who automatically “find themselves” doing behaviors that they did not intend.
Since big changes in behavior are often way too overwhelming, it may be helpful to think about ways of experimenting with smaller changes. Here are some ideas for thinking about small ways to improve behavior:
- If you are a person who doesn’t speak up much, make an effort to say something
- If you are a person who withholds a lot of personal information- try disclosing small things, even if they are not that “a big deal”, and see what the effect is
- If you are a person who tends to act on urges, try tolerating urges.
- If you are a person who tends to say “I am fine” when you are not fine, try observing or paying careful attention to how you know you are not fine. See if you can gently indicate a more accurate description of feeling.
Improvements in behavior vary from person to person. Someone who is loud and overbearing may make improvements by holding their tongue, while someone who never sticks up for him/herself may become persistent in a disagreement. Since change involves risk, new behaviors are generally not entirely comfortable! Hence, tolerating distress may take on a whole new meaning.
Posted in Behavior Change | 
Tags: Change, communication, Dialectical Behavior Therapy, Meaning | 
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Are you in touch with your true cartoons?
In DBT, primary emotions are emotions that people have about a situation or event. Secondary emotions are emotional reactions to emotions. Figuring out which is which may be helpful for people that have a lot of trouble sorting out what they feel, identifying what causes feelings, and knowing how to make use of feelings. The overall goal is to enable people to express emotions accurately.
Let’s take the example of anger. Sometimes, when people get angry, they say things they do not mean. They deliver “low blows”, say things that are extremely hurtful, and launch into full attack mode.When anger shows up, it is very possible that other primary emotions (betrayal, hurt, scared, or sad) are also part of the picture.
Imagine how the conversation would be different if the person who expresses anger was actually expressing any of the above emotions. “I was really upset when you didn’t show up. I thought something might have happened. At first I was really worried, and then I started thinking that you might have forgotten about meeting with me altogether. I wasn’t really sure what to make of the situation. I have this tendency to think no one cares about me when this happens. Perhaps you could tell me what happened.”
Another example may go something like this: Feeling afraid but then feeling ashamed for feeling afraid. Sometimes people are afraid of intimacy and connection but act on the shame. For instance, having a really good time with friends (feeling appreciated, included, and valued) is followed by withdrawal and avoidance. Is this you? If so, what words would you put on your fear that would be more accurate? Are there any elephants in the room that you’ve failed to consider?
Posted in Emotion Regulation | Tags: Cartoon elephants, Change, communication, Emotion, Function of behavior, interpretations, Relationship, Understanding emotion, validation | No Comments »
What is your emotion getting you to do?
Emotions have a very important role in our lives of getting us activated, moving, and solving problems. If we had no emotions, we wouldn’t know when we were missing out, miserable, in a bad situation, or needing to make some sort of change. Sometimes our emotions are working very hard to give us a strong and important message.
Have you ever considered the benefit of what your emotion might be trying to tell you? Emotions are messages, red flags, and physiological responses that work to capture our attention. Suppressing, ignoring, or inhibiting them over time can lead problems with our overall health and wellbeing.
Sometimes our emotions propel us to take a good hard look at painful, scary, or uncomfortable situations. Fearing the worse, we may actively avoid.
Avoidance of emotion can lead to inactivity. Inactivity is what happens when our emotions are trying to get us to solve a problem, but we fail to act on it. When we fail to act on it, the problem gets bigger. We feel worse and we get stuck even more. Our experiences of helplessness and powerlessness increase.
Sometimes our emotions are working really hard to get us to approach an extremely difficult thing. Approaching and problem solving difficult things in our lives gives us an opportunity to feel accomplished, competent, and more in control over the outcome.
Are you avoiding a situation or problem that your emotion is working hard at getting you to solve? What are the consequences? What would be the first step towards problem solving? What would you have to risk? What might you have to give up? What might you have to lose?
Posted in Emotion Regulation | Tags: Change, communication, Emotion, Function of behavior, Understanding emotion | No Comments »
Slow down, get clear, and become organized
Knowing what you want gives you the power to ask for it, to look for what you want, and to get what you want from the people who are willing and capable of giving it.
Lots of things get in the way with our ability to be effective. Often intense anxiety keeps our focus on the immediate threat. Sometimes this means rehearsing or imagining the worst possible outcomes over and over again. Sometimes our anxiety propels us towards anxiety-driven action. We are prompted to immediately fix, appease, accommodate, or even attack. Sometimes this causes us to lose sight of ourselves, become unglued, or to become disorganized. We stop looking at our expectations, desired outcomes, or even our unique observations. We don’t think about unintended consequences of our behavior on our relationships. We can become busy accommodating everyone else’s expectations to the point of exhaustion- often to find that other people continue to be dissatisfied.
Take a minute to consider what you want, think, notice, and feel. Consider if what you want might include: Being heard, being taken seriously, being respected, or being acknowledged.
Sometimes change involves a loss or regret that another person is not willing or capable of giving you what you want. But instead of getting into a crisis over it, this clarity allows you to re-consider your options, change the way you are asking for it, tolerate the limits of others, or even move on- and possibly keep looking for it from someone who can give it.
When my clients get better, the changes I observe are quite noticeable. Often there is a shift in energy- a slowing down. They appear more confident as they become centered, calm, and clear. They get organized! They are less prone to non-useful conflicts and increase their ability to steer clear of unwanted chaos.
Posted in Interpersonal Effectiveness | Tags: Acceptance, anxiety, Change, communication, Relationship, validation, wisdom | Comments Closed
Communicating anger without killing your audience
The blog post this week is for persons who have a hard time with anger. If you are a person who tends to rant and rave, gets in trouble with personal attacks, or comes across as interpersonally abrasive, this post is for you.
Communicating anger can be done effectively when the intensity of anger matches the message. Anger has to be at a manageable level. If you can get anger to go down, you may have a very strong point to communicate- but you’ve got to do it in such a way that anger works for you, instead of getting in your way. Here are some suggestions:
- Soften your gaze, relax your face, and try smiling with half of your face.
- Unclench your jaws and your fist, open your palms, and relax your body.
- Stop glaring.
- Be clear about what you want to communicate. Try stating it in a matter-of-fact but firm manner.
- Slow down your breathing.
- Try to pay attention to how your face communicates. A flat, impermeable look can be negatively interpreted or misinterpreted. (Notice if/how you are drawn to particular TV characters who have expressive faces).
- Wiggle your eyebrows. Try shooting one eyebrow up.
- Notice your tone of voice. Try singing what you want to say before you talk to the person. This will get you to notice your emotion in your voice and make it hard for you to hang on to the intensity of the anger. Another option is to use a cartoon voice.
If you act or behave in such a way that is incompatible with anger, you will have a pretty good chance of getting your anger to go down. Being clear, matter-of-fact, and firm; staying connected, rooted, and close to your inner wisdom can be a much more effective way to communicate anger than sarcasm, attacks, and rants.
Posted in Interpersonal Effectiveness | Tags: Anger, Change, communication, Emotion, Relationship, Stress, Understanding emotion, willingness | Comments Closed