Posts Tagged ‘Change’
10 ways of getting through a crisis:
- Remember what matters- Connect with those you care about. Bring to mind, relive, remember, and cherish the connections you have and what your current relationships mean to you.
- Look for meaning in the current situation. See if there are any positives. Sometimes being in a lot of pain makes you more sensitive to others who go through the same thing.
- Keep in mind the “bigger picture” and long-term goals. If you don’t have a “bigger picture” or long term goals, start making them. Working towards long-term goals also produces positive emotions and a sense of mastery and achievement.
- Consider what you have that other people don’t have, and how other people could be jealous of what you have. Look for what this is- whether it is a job, an able body, health, a place to live, a relationship, or a child.
- Take care of what you need to take care of in the current moment.
- If you can’t solve the problem right now, do something restful and restorative.
- Maintain balance in your life by giving your mind a “break”- plan adaptive distractions that have nothing to do with your current life stressors.
- Remember that physical activity can help you “shift gears” by releasing endorphins and changing your physiological arousal. Since changing physiological arousal is also associated with emotions, this can also help you with your emotions.
- If overwhelmed, focus on doing what you can do. If you are able to achieve or accomplish one step, then you can move on to the next. There is only one way to get through a crisis- and that is one step at a time.
- Consider your options for how you typically respond to a crisis, and see if your options include complete avoidance, making things worse, or escalating in a way that doesn’t solve problems or is not helpful. Take the first step towards doing what works and what will get problems solved the fastest.
Posted in Distress Tolerance | 
Tags: Acceptance, anxiety, Change, Meaning, Misery, Stress | 
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Improvements in behavior
DBT skills groups are often structured so that clients in the groups do homework for week to week. The homework assignments might include ways of problem-solving emotions, finding ways of being attentive or mindful when in distress, or effectively approaching a relationship conflict. Sometimes there is an emphasis on doing or trying the homework, and some clients can do the homework without really getting how it “fits.” While I like to encourage people to try new assignments, I try to pay attention to- and discourage- doing homework for the sake of doing homework in my groups. This is because over-rehearsal of content learning often lacks the value of experientially “getting” something meaningful and relevant to painful life problems.
One thing that I like to encourage my clients to consider is this: What would be an improvement in behavior?. The application and acquisition of new learning has to do with how you would do something differently from how you always do things. After all, if you continue to do what you’ve always done, you’d continue get the same results.
Improvements in behavior can be incredibly small- and can even be characterized as noticing or paying attention to something not paid attention to before. This can be a minor yet critical item, especially for people who automatically “find themselves” doing behaviors that they did not intend.
Since big changes in behavior are often way too overwhelming, it may be helpful to think about ways of experimenting with smaller changes. Here are some ideas for thinking about small ways to improve behavior:
- If you are a person who doesn’t speak up much, make an effort to say something
- If you are a person who withholds a lot of personal information- try disclosing small things, even if they are not that “a big deal”, and see what the effect is
- If you are a person who tends to act on urges, try tolerating urges.
- If you are a person who tends to say “I am fine” when you are not fine, try observing or paying careful attention to how you know you are not fine. See if you can gently indicate a more accurate description of feeling.
Improvements in behavior vary from person to person. Someone who is loud and overbearing may make improvements by holding their tongue, while someone who never sticks up for him/herself may become persistent in a disagreement. Since change involves risk, new behaviors are generally not entirely comfortable! Hence, tolerating distress may take on a whole new meaning.
Posted in Behavior Change | Tags: Change, communication, Dialectical Behavior Therapy, Meaning | Comments Closed
Mindfulness, DBT, extreme emotions, and doing what works:
One of the DBT mindfulness skills includes being effective: Doing what works. Learning how to sit for long periods of time and focus on one thing, such as your breath, can have quite an impact on quieting the mind. However, sitting for long periods of time can be rather difficult for people who are learning how to “be mindful”, and may not be helpful in solving other problems (ie, communicating, reading one’s environment accurately, interpreting behavior).
The persons I tend to treat have difficult with extreme emotion- and sometimes tolerating a single moment can seem like an eternity. The skill of “observing” in mindfulness appears deceptively simple- and yet the actual doing of the observing when it’s needed in real life- as it applies to solving painful problems- is a whole different story.
Observing and describing the cracks on the sidewalk or the ceiling tiles may be a way to be mindful. But here is where it can get tricky:
- It may be an effective way to be present in the moment, to become grounded and connected to what’s going around you, and prevent you from dissociating, “floating off”, or disconnecting.
- It may be a way to distract, avoid, inhibit feeling, occupy the mind, and avoid relationships. If you can become overly focused on things and not people, you can avoid taking emotional risks, connections, and opportunities to address conflict. Noticing a tendency to avoid may be a more effective use of mindful activity.
I’ve been working hard on getting together my free 30 days of mindfulness for my mailing list readers. The approach for learning varies and the agenda includes suggestions for trying new and different things. It’s experiential- which means that you get to participate in the exercises. I’m hoping that it will satisfy those who are looking for ways on how to be mindful as it relates to real life.
All you have to do is click on the upper right side of this blog post where it says Get 7 free steps for sailing through emotional storms when you join my mailing list. Sign up!
The 30 days of mindfulness are going to start February 8, so you will have to sign up before then if you want to be included!
Posted in Mindfulness | Tags: Acceptance, balance, Breath, Breathing, Change, Effectiveness, Emotion, Meaning, Mindfulness, Understanding emotion | No Comments »
Are you in touch with your true cartoons?
In DBT, primary emotions are emotions that people have about a situation or event. Secondary emotions are emotional reactions to emotions. Figuring out which is which may be helpful for people that have a lot of trouble sorting out what they feel, identifying what causes feelings, and knowing how to make use of feelings. The overall goal is to enable people to express emotions accurately.
Let’s take the example of anger. Sometimes, when people get angry, they say things they do not mean. They deliver “low blows”, say things that are extremely hurtful, and launch into full attack mode.When anger shows up, it is very possible that other primary emotions (betrayal, hurt, scared, or sad) are also part of the picture.
Imagine how the conversation would be different if the person who expresses anger was actually expressing any of the above emotions. “I was really upset when you didn’t show up. I thought something might have happened. At first I was really worried, and then I started thinking that you might have forgotten about meeting with me altogether. I wasn’t really sure what to make of the situation. I have this tendency to think no one cares about me when this happens. Perhaps you could tell me what happened.”
Another example may go something like this: Feeling afraid but then feeling ashamed for feeling afraid. Sometimes people are afraid of intimacy and connection but act on the shame. For instance, having a really good time with friends (feeling appreciated, included, and valued) is followed by withdrawal and avoidance. Is this you? If so, what words would you put on your fear that would be more accurate? Are there any elephants in the room that you’ve failed to consider?
Posted in Emotion Regulation | Tags: Cartoon elephants, Change, communication, Emotion, Function of behavior, interpretations, Relationship, Understanding emotion, validation | No Comments »
How to track elephantine-sized emotions
Last week, I posted a blog about tracking behavior change. One way in which I get clients to assess progress, notice changes, or pay better attention to their feelings is to get them to notice and track emotions. Emotions can be intense. They can be not-very-intense but-still-stressful because they last over time. Often people minimize the impact and significance of emotions. When clients get better at regulating emotions, they get better at identifying what sets off emotions, identifying the significance of what they feel, figuring out what emotions are telling them, and finding ways to cope ahead, minimize the impact, prevent, or make use of emotions.
For instance:
Notice how big your emotion is (elephantine sized?)
Notice how intense your emotion is (how pink is pink?)
Notice your relationship with your emotion (are you stuck beneath an elephant’s foot?)
Notice if you are avoiding your emotion (are you running away from stampeding elephants?)
Notice how long it takes for the emotion to change or leave (holding on to elephantine problems can create even more problems.)
If the emotion isn’t changing, can you change your relationship to your emotion? (make peace with your cartoon elephants- an open invitation.)
What is your emotion trying to tell you? (believe me, elephants have things to say!)
Posted in Behavior Change, Cartoon elephants, Emotion Regulation | Tags: Acceptance, Animals, Cartoon elephants, Change, Emotion, Mindfulness, Understanding emotion | No Comments »
On the existence of cartoon elephants
Last September (2010) and early this year (January, 2011) I posted a blog about my cartoon elephant book project: The emotion phobic user’s guide to handling cartoon elephants. I even completed an interview about it for Psych Central: http://bit.ly/98hCbI
Embarrassingly enough, I got started on the project…and then stopped. Other projects came up, I became distracted with my life and my practice, and…well…you know how the story goes. I am even going to admit here that I spent 4 months not even looking at my elephants. Can you even imagine what happens if you stop looking at your elephants? (And no comments from the peanut gallery…)
Cartoon elephants (emotions!) do, indeed, exist. Sometimes they go missing, sometimes they get confusing and messy, and sometimes they get big and overwhelming.
In the last month, I’ve been doing CPR on my cartoon elephant book project. I’ve gotten about 90% of the rough outline of my project done. One of the things that keeps me going is that I made a commitment to someone to have the rough draft completed by December 6.
Behavior change is hard. One of the things that I ask my group clients to do is track their behaviors. Knowing that they have to make a conscious effort to bring to mind the occurrence of behaviors during the week helps them figure out if behaviors are changing. Planned periodic inquiries about behavior change also helps. In my case, I know that my cartoon elephant mentor will be excited if I meet my deadline. But my mentor will also be challenging me if I don’t!
In your life:
What is the first step towards behavior change?
When will you have made the first step?
What are the consequences to not making it?
What have you tried before that has worked, and that hasn’t worked?
Who will support you in making this step?
How can you track or monitor your progress?