Dialectics
The dialectics of depression
Dialectics has to do with the concept that two seemingly inconsistent or incompatible ideas can both be true. Conflicting realities have elements of truth that can both fit together despite being conflicting. One is not more true than the other, and one is not more true at the expense of the other.
The treatment for depression generally involves behavioral activation- taking some sort of action to increase contact with pleasurable events or rewarding activities. Depressed people become easily overwhelmed, tend to avoid people and activities, and withdraw from life. This inactivity also decreases contact with naturally rewarding interactions. The agenda of behavioral activation is to get people engaged with with people, activities, or events that generate pleasure, give meaning, and provide a sense of accomplishment. Without these things, it kind of makes sense that people get depressed. So the message is essentially: Put your energy towards getting active, engaged, and connected!
On the other hand, people who are depressed often feel a great deal of misery. Often they struggle with unreasonable guilt and low self-esteem. They may have made multiple attempts at making connections and have had bad experiences. They may have reached out and been punished for it. They may feel so bad about themselves-and have worked so hard on changing who they are- that they got lost along the way. They may have stopped liking themselves because they worked so hard to make things different. They may have become exhausted at the prospect of change. They may have a very strong need to be accepted as they are- without having to do something, keep changing, and keep trying.
Do you see the dialectic? 1) Changing behavior is a part of the treatment for being less depressed. Get involved! 2) Don’t try to be or become something that you are not. You are fine just the way you are!
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A note on dialectics and relationships
Person A is described as miserly, grumpy, short, and abrupt. We’ll say that Person A doesn’t offer any extra information when asked personal questions, rarely smiles, and almost never makes eye contact.
Now, one way of responding to this situation is to simply say that Person A is kind of a jerk. You could sort of see how Person A is pretty unlikeable, and you could even kind of get yourself on a non-liking tangent.
While being on the non-liking tangent may have some benefits to you, it actually may not help you solve interacting problems with Person A. If anything, it may make interacting with Person A slightly worse- if not downright uncomfortable.
Assuming that Person A is someone you can’t avoid, and assuming that you could get more relaxed and self-confident around people that drive you a bit crazy- you’d probably have to do something besides walking around thinking that Person A is a jerk.
Thus consider alternative interpretations of Person A’s behavior. Start with the potential benefits of “miserly, grumpy, short, and abrupt.” I would have to guess that Person A is not a time waster- he probably doesn’t like to chit- chat. This in turn might mean that he is more efficient, which could be an attractive trait to some. He probably also doesn’t have a lot of people around that bug him very much. Who knows? Perhaps he likes his privacy. Perhaps he is lonely. Perhaps he didn’t grow up with a lot of easy going personalities. Perhaps he grew up around people that were really harsh and abrupt with him.
You see how coming up with different interpretations for Person A’s behavior can change your feelings about Person A? Alternative explanations might provide understandable reasons for behaviors that may be hard to understand. And when we can be more understanding, we can be more accepting of ourselves and of others.
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Dialectical dilemmas for parents of adolescents
Alec Miller and Jill Rathus published a book called Dialectical Behavior Therapy for Suicidal Adolescents. In this book are some of the handouts used in adolescent DBT skills groups. They list three dialectical dilemmas that parents may face with their teenagers, which include the following:
Being too loose vs. being too strict
Making light of problem behaviors vs. Making too much of typical behaviors
Holding on too tight vs. Forcing independence too soon
Moving to an extreme end of a spectrum can = BEING STUCK, which can easily generate hopelessness and frustation. Dialectics is about finding how two things can both sometimes be true at the same time, and that finding different perspectives can help us move out of extreme polarities. Can you see how being too extreme on either end of these dilemmas could cause problems? Think of your own adolescence. The “Middle Path” proposed by Miller and Rathus is about finding the middle ground of two extremes.
On dialectics: Perspective and truth with the shark and the jellyfish
In the great deep ocean, there was a shark and a jellyfish.
The jelly was made of flotsam and jetsam and floated around in an aimless manner. He was not made of substance and lived mostly at the whim of the currents and waves. He was mostly transparent and extremely shy.
The shark had big pointed teeth and yellowish eyes and would jet through the ocean, eating up the little sea creatures and fishes for dinner. He was bold and daring and liked to think he ruled the Pacific and the Atlantic, the Aegean and Indian the Mediterranean and the Baltic.
One day the shark swam up to the jellyfish and bellowed, “You brainless, spineless, heartless creature!”
The jelly was stung by the mean words of the shark, but the jelly couldn’t think of a single thing to say. In fact, the jelly had to admit, he had no heart, no spine, and no brain. The jelly wanted to sink into the depths of the ocean, never to return, believing in the mean harsh words of the shark.
At the bottom of the ocean the grenadier fish told the jelly “You are known for getting taken advantage of, agreeing with everyone, and not standing up for yourself. You need some perspective.” And the jelly thought of all the things he had seen and heard in the depths the ocean and decided that perspective might be a better idea than blaming himself and feeling bad.
So the jelly, despite having limited control of his direction of float-ability, blobbed himself back to the non nether-regions of the ocean until he saw the shark again. And then he said, “Perhaps it is true that I have a hard time standing up for myself. But it appears to me that you are a mean bully shark and do not have any friends. I have lots of friends. Perhaps life would be better if the mean bully sharks of the ocean stopped trying to get their point across and the jellies of the ocean stopped being completely invisible, then reality could not only be seen more clearly but ocean life would be more bearable.”