Practical mindfulness
In graduate school, I took a class on mindfulness.
I did not like it.
I had to sit for an hour at the beginning of each class and focus on my breath.
My butt hurt.
My back hurt.
We did not have chairs.
We were expected to notice the pain and return to the breath. I did this.
My butt still hurt.
My back still hurt.
I struggle to teach my clients a way of being mindful so they “get it”. In other words, apply it to situations that might help them bear pain, become clear and organized, pay attention to what their body is telling them, access important emotional information, and take note of what is actually going on both on the inside and on the outside.
Mindfulness is not easy. Practical mindfulness is being able to use mindfulness in such a way that it makes sense to do so. There is something to be said for the business of being, doing, and experiencing.
Why do we do mindfulness? While I want my clients to be able to return to their breath as a way to find stillness, I am not sure I would want them to sit for an entire hour with hurting butts and backs 
Therefore, I am going to give you tips, instructions, and how-to exercises to help you learn, apply, and experiment with a very wide range of “how to” be mindful. This will be interspersed with teaching points, common problems that come up for people first learning mindfulness, and different ways of thinking about the application of mindfulness. FOR FREE.
How do you get all this? You’ve got to go to the upper right side of this blog post and click where it says Get 7 free steps for sailing through emotional storms when you join my mailing list. Sign up! Then, sometime early in February, you will be given the opportunity to receive one e-mail a day for 30 days that gives you a specific mindfulness exercise, tip, or teaching point. Remember, you have to sign up before February to get in on the freebies.
And, if you’re on my mailing list (and only then) more good stuff just might come your way.
Emotional sensitivity: Elephants without a skin
Some people are emotionally sensitive. They readily pick up on the emotions that others experience, have a high emotional “radar”, and they notice emotional “tones” or changes while interacting with others. Being alert to changes in emotional intensity may be a way for people to predict emotional outbursts- and thus stay away from threatening or angry people. Emotionally sensitive people may be good at reading others, attending to relationships, and paying attention to their gut or intuition. They may also have difficulty when others express strong emotions.
Others may have a higher threshold for absorbing emotional information- or be less reactive to expressed emotion. They may be seen as having a “thick skin” or an ability to brush things off and not be greatly affected. They may be less acute at picking up and reading the emotions of others- and possible less “tuned in” to the emotional nuances of interpersonal situations. They may have a better capacity to “get over it”, “move on”, or “pick up the pieces”. They may be seen as stable, consistent, or “uneasily rattled”.
Differences in how we experience emotions are sometimes labeled as bad, mentally unhealthy, or crazy. Some people have ideas about how emotions “should” be experienced based on their own threshold for emotional tolerance. Comparisons can frequently turn into judgments, and the way in which a person is emotionally impacted by something can easily be under or over-estimated. Misunderstandings and inaccurate interpretations about what a person is feeling or should be feeling may ensue. The emotionally sensitive person may have been told they need to “get over it” and the emotionally “tough” person may be experienced as “cold” or “uncaring.”
Instead of emotions being “right” or “wrong”, it is important to consider several factors about emotional thresholds, sensitivity, and tolerance:
- Are you in an environment in which others are less or more emotionally sensitive than you are? If so, how does it impact your ability to trust your emotions?
- Consider the pros/cons to being emotionally sensitive vs. having a “thick skin.” Emotionally diverse ways of responding to situations can be adaptive ways of coping-all depending on the person and the situation.
- Are you looking for people who value your emotional experience? Seeking people who are can be responsive to your emotional needs is better than not liking yourself for “being emotional” in the first place.
Posted in Cartoon elephants, Emotion Regulation | 
Tags: Cartoon elephants, Emotion, Relationship, Stress, Understanding emotion | 
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Mindfulness for the holiday season: Christmas and the New Year
December is a time of year in which our sensations can be easily bombarded. It’s easy to get stressed about Christmas shopping, overcrowded malls, travel plans, holiday parties, familial obligations, and in some cases, snowstorms. The practice of being mindful is the intentional practice of focusing attention on one thing. Focused attention calms and settles the mind, and circumvents the rat race of disorganized, divided, and unfocused attention. It is a way to come back to the current moment and show up for everything the moment has to offer.
Here are three different ways of being mindful this holiday season:
Five minutes of breathing:
Sit quietly for five minutes and focus on the rise and fall of your breath. Every time you notice your mind wandering or your attention scattered, bring your attention back to the rise and fall of your breath. This may be a useful exercise to do after driving in bad traffic, being in a crowd, or after coming home from work.
Savor sensation: Take a few moments to take in the entire experience of the following:
- The taste of peppermint. Do you really taste peppermint when you eat it?
- Do you ever notice how the air changes as it grows colder? Try figuring out how the air smells or tastes. I’ve noticed the winter air to be crisp, bitter, biting, heavy, cold, damp, salty, and even woody.
- Pay attention to tastes and smells that you enjoy- in other words, don’t pass them up or take them for granted when you notice them.
Show up for the moment…even if the moment brings pain
Sometimes people experience a great deal of sadness during the holidays: Spending holidays alone, spending a “first” holiday after losing a loved one during the year, or being reminded of recent losses or relationships ruptures.
If sadness is part of your holiday, consider:
- Reflecting on what is important and meaningful
- Allowing yourself to grieve deeply and fully, to cry openly, to acknowledge everything you experience with your heart wide open
- Honor what has been lost
- Be gentle and tender with yourself
Singing, carols, generosity of spirit, pageants, and performances can move people deeply. If joy is part of your holiday
- allow yourself to be moved to tears
- fully experience, absorb, take in, and reflect on what you have
- share with others what you appreciate or love
- allow for the positive
- recognize times in your life in which things have been difficult- and how different they are for you now.
Wishing you a holiday in which your experiences are rich and meaningful- I will be back at my blog posting in 2012!
Posted in Mindfulness | Tags: Christmas, Emotion, grief, Holidays, Joy, Meaning, Mindfulness, Openness, Sensation | No Comments »
Are you in touch with your true cartoons?
In DBT, primary emotions are emotions that people have about a situation or event. Secondary emotions are emotional reactions to emotions. Figuring out which is which may be helpful for people that have a lot of trouble sorting out what they feel, identifying what causes feelings, and knowing how to make use of feelings. The overall goal is to enable people to express emotions accurately.
Let’s take the example of anger. Sometimes, when people get angry, they say things they do not mean. They deliver “low blows”, say things that are extremely hurtful, and launch into full attack mode.When anger shows up, it is very possible that other primary emotions (betrayal, hurt, scared, or sad) are also part of the picture.
Imagine how the conversation would be different if the person who expresses anger was actually expressing any of the above emotions. “I was really upset when you didn’t show up. I thought something might have happened. At first I was really worried, and then I started thinking that you might have forgotten about meeting with me altogether. I wasn’t really sure what to make of the situation. I have this tendency to think no one cares about me when this happens. Perhaps you could tell me what happened.”
Another example may go something like this: Feeling afraid but then feeling ashamed for feeling afraid. Sometimes people are afraid of intimacy and connection but act on the shame. For instance, having a really good time with friends (feeling appreciated, included, and valued) is followed by withdrawal and avoidance. Is this you? If so, what words would you put on your fear that would be more accurate? Are there any elephants in the room that you’ve failed to consider?
Posted in Emotion Regulation | Tags: Cartoon elephants, Change, communication, Emotion, Function of behavior, interpretations, Relationship, Understanding emotion, validation | No Comments »
How to track elephantine-sized emotions
Last week, I posted a blog about tracking behavior change. One way in which I get clients to assess progress, notice changes, or pay better attention to their feelings is to get them to notice and track emotions. Emotions can be intense. They can be not-very-intense but-still-stressful because they last over time. Often people minimize the impact and significance of emotions. When clients get better at regulating emotions, they get better at identifying what sets off emotions, identifying the significance of what they feel, figuring out what emotions are telling them, and finding ways to cope ahead, minimize the impact, prevent, or make use of emotions.
For instance:
Notice how big your emotion is (elephantine sized?)
Notice how intense your emotion is (how pink is pink?)
Notice your relationship with your emotion (are you stuck beneath an elephant’s foot?)
Notice if you are avoiding your emotion (are you running away from stampeding elephants?)
Notice how long it takes for the emotion to change or leave (holding on to elephantine problems can create even more problems.)
If the emotion isn’t changing, can you change your relationship to your emotion? (make peace with your cartoon elephants- an open invitation.)
What is your emotion trying to tell you? (believe me, elephants have things to say!)
Posted in Behavior Change, Cartoon elephants, Emotion Regulation | Tags: Acceptance, Animals, Cartoon elephants, Change, Emotion, Mindfulness, Understanding emotion | No Comments »
On the existence of cartoon elephants
Last September (2010) and early this year (January, 2011) I posted a blog about my cartoon elephant book project: The emotion phobic user’s guide to handling cartoon elephants. I even completed an interview about it for Psych Central: http://bit.ly/98hCbI
Embarrassingly enough, I got started on the project…and then stopped. Other projects came up, I became distracted with my life and my practice, and…well…you know how the story goes. I am even going to admit here that I spent 4 months not even looking at my elephants. Can you even imagine what happens if you stop looking at your elephants? (And no comments from the peanut gallery…)
Cartoon elephants (emotions!) do, indeed, exist. Sometimes they go missing, sometimes they get confusing and messy, and sometimes they get big and overwhelming.
In the last month, I’ve been doing CPR on my cartoon elephant book project. I’ve gotten about 90% of the rough outline of my project done. One of the things that keeps me going is that I made a commitment to someone to have the rough draft completed by December 6.
Behavior change is hard. One of the things that I ask my group clients to do is track their behaviors. Knowing that they have to make a conscious effort to bring to mind the occurrence of behaviors during the week helps them figure out if behaviors are changing. Planned periodic inquiries about behavior change also helps. In my case, I know that my cartoon elephant mentor will be excited if I meet my deadline. But my mentor will also be challenging me if I don’t!
In your life:
What is the first step towards behavior change?
When will you have made the first step?
What are the consequences to not making it?
What have you tried before that has worked, and that hasn’t worked?
Who will support you in making this step?
How can you track or monitor your progress?